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FINDING WONDERLAND - A SERIES OF WOMEN'S PERSONAL STORIES
TO DESTIGMATIZE AND NORMALIZE THE USE OF PSYCHEDELICS
Wonderland #1 Luciana Comas Bitz
Luciana is a yoga teacher and ex-photographer that has experienced the creative and healing effects of psychedelics.
Magic truffles helped her discover full love and acceptance for herself, and here she shares the photo essay that was created in those profound moments.
Luciana hopes that sharing her story and her art can help demystify the use of psychedelics, and that others can find out more about its incredible power to heal one’s relationship with the self.
In my first psychedelic experience, I was with my boyfriend. It was the first time for both of us, so we did a lot of research online.
I learned that being surrounded by nature was recommended as it could have a very positive effect on your experience.
We made sure to be in a safe and natural environment, and took 10 grams of magic truffles each.
The first experience was really emotional, it connected me back to deeply buried parts of myself. The longing for my language; the people, sounds, smells I was missing, and ways of feeling myself.
I traveled the world in order to “find myself”, yet in that process, I lost parts of myself that were necessary and integral to my essence, that was my true “home.”
Another hour later, the image of one of my dearest friends back home in Argentina came to me, and a strong urge arose in me to speak with her. So I called her and started sharing my experience with her.
However, as soon as I started speaking in Spanish, the feelings of sadness, yearning, and homesickness started to arise from the deepest part of me. I had to hang up, curl up into a little ball, and hide my face.
Inside my mind, it was like seeing the Sagrada Familia´s ceiling upside down from the inside, with pink and purple colors. There was no ground inside my mind, just the deep dome structures, color, and sunlight coming through those peaks.
I started to cry, weeping with sadness and anguish that could not be understood or stopped.
I only realized later that it was coming from a place that I had buried so deep, all the emotions from when I left Argentina 6 years earlier: the loneliness and pain of not being able to hug my friends and family in difficult moments.
I especially felt that the sadness came from realizing that I was missing parts of myself that were no longer there. Even though I was still me, it felt like I had lost or forgotten some part of my essence. But now, suddenly, I could feel them, even grasp them once again.
I couldn't understand why I let those beautiful, personal parts of myself be hidden away with so much shame or fear. My sadness and longing turned into anger.
I was angry, so angry at the pain I was feeling. Why did we have to choose to be strong, cautious, or responsible over the parts of ourselves that are beautiful and the key to our happiness?
That anger came out as more tears, and I started to shout.
I missed the artistic, funny, silly, Latin, sexy, sensitive, emotional, and vulnerable parts of myself. I just wanted to be me again, and allow myself to be held by others. I realized that I had lost myself - it was as if I was dead. All the sadness, anguish, and anger I felt was me mourning my own death.
Wanting the pain to stop, I started to punch the floor, the grass, and the earth with my bare hands. During this whole time, my boyfriend stayed close to me but didn´t interfere. He knew I was going through something very deep and emotional but instinctively allowed me to go through my process.
Having someone you deeply trust is very important when doing psychedelics. When you know that you are safe, you can really allow yourself to experience it fully without trying to control or hide anything.
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After the emotions calmed down, I was exhausted. We went for a walk and as the visual effects of the truffles started to fade, we came across a playground. It was quite late so it was empty, so I went down the slide.
I felt like a 4 year old again, with little Lu giggling happily, even though it was still mixed with the sadness and longing.
For the rest of the night, I remained contemplative, feeling very raw, yet peaceful. I felt a clear and calm acceptance.
I managed to fall asleep for a few hours, but woke the next morning still in a strong emotional state, feeling the raw feelings from before.
Beautiful sun rays were coming through the window, and without thinking too much I started to move.
Ever since I was little, I had always danced without technique in my room. It was a way of feeling myself and letting emotions transform and move through my body.
I moved and caressed my natural, naked body, without judgment or rules, fully absorbed in the moment. Transmuting as a chrysalis, sometimes from one part of myself to another, and sometimes completely detached, feeling completely free.
Without planning anything in particular, I took the camera, put it in front of me, and just kept exploring my movements and the light.
When I felt that the movements I needed to do were complete, I stayed still and silent with my hands on the heart, and meditated for some time.
I felt the most serene happiness, and deepest appreciation and gratitude for my entire being.
There was no judgment towards myself, for my personality, my body, my past, my experiences, my background. Just pure acceptance and forgiveness. Without realizing it, psychedelics had helped me dig deeper, release, and connect back in a way I could have never expected.
Luciana's personal story is the first of a series of stories of women from all parts of the globe, with different ethnicities, lifestyles, and backgrounds. WOOP will be sharing these stories, also anonymously when requested.
If you would like to reach out to Luciana, feel free to contact her on Instagram.
Would you like to share your story with us?
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