FINDING WONDERLAND - A SERIES OF WOMEN'S PERSONAL STORIES
TO DESTIGMATIZE AND NORMALIZE THE USE OF PSYCHEDELICS
Wonderland #1 Luciana Comas Bitz
Almost a year had passed since my first psychedelic experience, but I was hesitant to do another one as I could still connect back to those feelings.
But one thing that I learned was that you cannot control what your subconscious mind is going to experience under that state. You just have to make a decision to trust you are ready to face whatever comes your way.
I decided that I was going to do it again with the learnings from before. If I cried non-stop for hours again… well, so be it. I decided to just give space for anything that needed to arise without controlling it, to allow the healing by surrendering to the experience.
For the second trip, the set up was pretty much the same - I was with my boyfriend in a natural space and with 15gm of Atlantica Truffles each.
This second experience was completely different. Instead of crying for three hours, I lay on the grass, feeling the sun’s changing temperatures on my body, with the power of nature and the sounds of birds around us.
Keeping my eyes closed, my mind created dreamlike images of birds from different cultures, places where I have been: japanese cranes, native american eagles, and Egyptian vulture hieroglyph winds. Sunlight was coming through my eyelids, just like through a glass, and illuminating those images.
The purest happiness started to rise, coming from up between my solar plexus, chest, throat, and head space. Little shrieks of happiness started to come out, every sound a “Yay!” for life.
At some point when my boyfriend started to speak with me, I realized that the only thing I could say was, “Poing, poing, poing” with different intonations. That was my language at the moment, but I felt I had no problem expressing everything I wanted it to communicate with no need for words.
In my everyday life, I tend to experience the complete opposite feeling ever since I left my country. Although I have been working, traveling, and having most of my interactions in English for the last 6 years, I still feel that I could not flow the same way as in my native language.
Some ways of expressing myself could only come with certain words in Argentinian Spanish. This feeling of being unable to express myself fully took a huge toll on my self-esteem and confidence, impacting my ability to communicate and express myself.
The truffles helped me realize that I did not need those words; that words do not define who I am or my ability to communicate with the world around me, the people I love, nature or to myself. It was such a beautiful feeling. Ever since then, “poing” has continued to have an emotional and mental link to that state of child-like happiness, excitement and connection to the world.
Coming back to the house, I felt a rise of energy as I started to play music. This time was a sort of ecstatic dance expression, and instead of pictures, I made an experimental video. There was no need for words, languages or barriers, only movements, my body and the sunlight coming through the window - a silhouette image of pure freedom within me.
These two psychedelic experiences helped to bring to light and release some buried misconceptions and beliefs. I was already consciously embracing and promoting self-acceptance in my yoga classes. I really tried to embody the idea that my ethnicity, culture or background did not define who I was; but deep inside, I think I was still feeling really insecure and scared of being my authentic and true self.
It is one thing to have a conscious point of view and say what you believe in. But it takes dismantling the harmful and limiting ideas about who you are to truly feel and embody those ideals and beliefs.
These experiences allowed me to find a profound and honest acceptance of myself in a pure form, not from an ideological or personal imposition of how I should feel.
The healing from my two psychedelic experiences had a huge impact on my confidence to undertake different projects or give life to artistic expressions again, and definitely, to a more balanced relationship and understanding of the world around me.
Whether you are looking for forgiveness, acceptance, confidence, courage, to transmute, release, create or empower, I honestly believe that all answers lie deep inside each of us. It might not be easy or pleasant, but it can lead to growth, liberation, transformation, and ultimately, a more honest and loving relationship with the self.
So I want to encourage people to explore themselves more - in any way! - not just with psychedelics. Any self-exploration that could bring you to an honest acceptance of who you are will bring a lot of relief, healing, and truth about yourself.
Create more opportunities to open that door without judgment or wanting to control what you find inside. Regardless of what you have experienced or done in your life, all you need to heal is already inside of you.
A week after creating those images, I made this collage. For me, it was a synthetization of the emotional journey of the last 6 years and both psychedelic trips. It represented all the dark corners of myself, of all those forgotten parts left behind, finding the light and coming back to life - coming home to myself.
